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Craft beer enthusiast orders beer from tap with tallest, gaudiest handle

[SATIRE]

DAVIS SQUARE – This past Saturday at local Somerville gastropub The Dregs, regular customer, avid craft beer drinker, and insufferable unofficial small brewery spokesman Sean Bixby reportedly requested a beer from the tap flaunting a falcon-riding merman that stood at least four inches taller than the rest.

“In my extensive experience drinking craft beer for the past 6 months, I’ve found that the most pungent, flavorful, and worthy beers to drink come from the biggest and boldest taps,” said Bixby when we caught up with him on Highland Avenue after he placed his order, the smoke from his clove cigarette billowing around him.

After returning to the bar to retrieve his beer, Bixby allegedly removed the napkin from underneath and replaced it with the personalized coaster he carries with him at all times. Etched into its wood surface were his initials: SNB.

“Drinking craft beer requires a certain amount of integrity, and, in my humble opinion, every good beer deserves a worthy pedestal to condensate upon.”

According to sources, after taking his first sip Bixby swishes the beer from cheek to cheek while holding his glass up to the light to savor its taste and inspect its liquid make-up. This is a process he later described as pivotal for the true appreciation of every craft beer.

“Now comes the exciting part. My usual ritual is to sit with my beer and concentrate on enjoying all the subtle flavor notes and hoppy tannins,” he said while passing tables of rollicking patrons before settling on a lone stool in the corner.

After 45 minutes, Bixby was seen placing his empty glass back on the bar before putting his coaster back in his jacket. He then jotted a quick note in a pocket-sized lime green Moleskin (“my liquor ledger”), which he uses to keep track of the attributes of the beers he drinks.

“This beer was refreshingly hoppy, with a slight Himalayan citrus flavor that really hits you upfront, followed by the strong taste of aged rosewood on the backend. The brewery did a fine job of concentrating the sometimes too-intense flavors of indigo currant, sandalbark, and cactus aloe into a brew that is surprisingly not too bitter.”

Before leaving, Bixby placed two Sacagawea dollars on the bar, double-looped a paisley scarf around his neck, and stuck his dinner plate-sized headphones over his ears, eager to catch up on his latest podcasts.

“This was a worthy stop on my craft beer quest. Now, I’m off on my next adventure.”

As he ambled away, sources overheard Bixby on the phone with the local specialty grocery store asking if they could put aside a frozen chicken tikka masala for pickup in 13 minutes.

They said they don’t do that.

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